Hero: Under your feet not over your head.

I am currently sitting in Starbucks, alone, and the two gentlemen sitting next to me just left. I  was in the midst of doing two things, attempting to sell myself on a single sheet of paper (I hate resumes), and trying to swallow the latest stunt my Ex is trying to pull. On the way out the door I overheard one of them give a bit of advice that really made sense. So here I am mulling it over. Although these two men spent the better part of an hour discussing what “God’s plan” has in store for their lives, and I am just getting over the urge to dry heave, their last audible sentence was quite insightful.

If you’ve read my last couple post you know I am trying desperately to keep my mind open about faith, religion and spirituality, but it’s proving harder than I imagined. Changing a belief system is extremely hard, even if you want to… You see, I would love to truly believe that God has a plan for me, that he’s giving me all I can handle, that if I put my faith in him everything will be honky dory… but I just can’t…. My life sucks because I made poor choices, I dug this hole and because it’s so deep I have barely any light changing the way I think won’t make it any shallower or bring the sun any closer. Taking the easy way out by trusting that my life has a course, and everything will just turn out, sounds soooo good, but my convictions aren’t inline. I made this mess and un-fucking is seeming beyond my reach, no one can help me, make it go faster, make it less painless, change my course or ease the uncertainty the future holds. Not me, not Em, not my parents, brother or friends…and certainly not this heavenly body that may or may not exist… and believing otherwise just seems like a cop out.

Now while I wouldn’t consider myself a Christian there is definitely a lot of good advice that stems from the faith. As good as these words of wisdom seem to be, it’s often hard for me to accept it, because of the root, the source, but I know that’s wrong. It’s just ignorant to be that proud, and dare I say self-righteous. Great advice is great advice, doesn’t matter the language, source or belief structure.

So here it is,

“Don’t let your troubles and worries weigh you down, put them under your feet not over your head.”

Man of God or not…. that is what I must do, my troubles have been ruining the enjoyment and zest I used to have for life. I haven’t had the same motivation or desire to succeed since my life has hit the skids, but that needs to change. I can come out better, stronger, smarter and wiser for having taken a stroll through despair.

Time to get some boots, because I don’t want all this shit messing my Chucks.

 

H&V

Hero: The Divide

Well, today is different then any other, since Em has lived in Vancouver. I woke up this morning in her bed, but I am having coffee and doing laundry at my place…. and we are both happy. There was no fight, no squabble or awkward moment, just an understanding that things are different now.

You see last night we had plans to hang out, snuggle, watch old reruns, just generally get back to being the cheesy couple we’ve been known for. I would once again crash at her place, we would wake up and see where the day leads us. So on the to pick her up last night I sent her a text asking her if I can bring the coffee maker back to her place… but she said no. I was shocked. It’s funny how stupid things really affect my perspective. She says that she’s not fully recovered and just needs a bit of time… which confuses the shit out of me. Why would it be ok for us to act like everything is ok, perform our usually cheese filled nightly routine, but not have the coffee maker there for when we wake up…?

Ding Ding Ding…

It suddenly occurs to me. She doesn’t want me there in the morning, she doesn’t want that old routine where I sit in the chair and act too comfortable. I made a mistake and its clear I need to re-engratiate myself before feeling comfortable.

So this morning I wake up, we play with her little girl in bed, have some flirty kisses and cuddles, things were great. I have vowed to not hog her, so I suggest that she rekindle plans she had previously cancelled. You might remember our blowout started with this exact scenario, except I wanted her time, and she wasn’t free. This time around she proactively cancelled her plans so we would have a clear day, which I do give her full credit for doing, but I don’t want to be this guy who stops her from doing what she enjoy.I know how much she and girl have loved the company of their new found compadres, so I won’t even pretend she was blowing me off. I just want to do a better job of reading between the lines this time around, so I make up some bullshit excuse about having to tack laundry onto my “to do” list. I grab all my shit and leave… on friendly terms. I don’t know how I feel about this, but I am resolved to not act like a fool. I want to soak it in, try my best to see the forest and the trees.

It’s hilarious that I promised to be more patient with her needs and I am sitting her knotted up over my coffee maker… I just want to get back to the way things were, with some minor tweaks of course. I have been able to forgive and forget a lot of terrible things she’s said, but I am paying the price of my 48 hours of lapsed judgement. So I’ll sit and wait for the day that I am absolved of my errors, and she can shed the fear…

So even though I would have enjoyed a coffee, sitting in some green chairs, I am responsible for my situation. Time to be a man, push the past aside, and look ahead to what I can do to better this situation.

I am on my way out the door for a run, I find it really lifts the fog that seems to cloud my brain when I get low. I have learned a lot about myself, just being lost in thought while listening to my feet pound the pavement, the most valuable being; Running just like life, is just putting one foot in front of the other, and not giving up when things get tough, push yourself do be stronger everyday and you can’t keep score.

Hero.

Hero: Open Mind

Do you believe things happen for a reason?  Well I don’t, but lately life is opening a door I thought was fused shut. You see, my mind has always believed in probability over destiny, science over creation, logic over faith… but weeks ago Em asked me the simplest of questions. “Will you just keep an open mind?”

The funny thing about an open mind, is you start to notice a lot more co-incidences. This open mind has brought some puzzling events, things that logic can’t help describe, probability can’t calculate, just ordinary occurances that don’t quite fit.

We all know as of late, that my love life has been tipped upside down. This disorientation has tortured me over the last couple days,  I’ve been lost, borderline dizzy. There has been times where I’ve been forced to face that I may need to move forward, past this amazing woman. I have tried a couple times, to just consider myself, months, year down the road with someone else… but it’s impossible.

There are days that life has a way of mocking me with intense cruelty, but occasionally it seems to playfully poke me, as if to insprire “laugh with me” moments. Anyone that knows me is familiar with my “Red Head Theory”. My personal belief is that redhead’s occupy both extremes on the “Hotness” scale. The largest portion of the Ginger population resides on the lower end of the scale, because quite frankly most just have the right hue of red/amber….but there is that small percentage that are flat out…..smoking hot.

So where am I headed with this?

Well I was on my way back from Montego Bay and my mind just boiling with all the possibilities and potential outcomes. Would I ever get another crack with Em? What will my life look like without her? How bad would being single really be? How amazing it would be to spend my life with her… I was bouncing from one extreme to the other, trying to convince myself that if it actually was over, I would take charge of my life and… well generally do what any guy would do after being crushed… you get the picture. In the midst of all this internal conflict, I am almost sleep walking through my job, when I stumble across this beautiful redhead… who won’t quit with the eye contact. After the usual 2 seconds of niceties I can’t take it anymore, but she keeps engaging me in discussion, seemingly just to get me to return to her gaze. All I want is to get back to my self loathing and misery, just finish my job and sit down. So I do…

After sometime passes she comes to where I am seated on the plane. (For those who don’t know I’m a flight attendant, and our seats are right near the shitter. So when I am eating, reading, thinking, I am forced to sit and chat with people who are waiting to relieve themselves.) Well the lav is free but she just wants to chat, telling me all about her vacation, where she lives etc… So there I sit, in a terrible place with Em, a hot redhead obviously interested in me… we continue our conversation about the usual. How was your vacation? How long were you in Jamaica? How was the food? Well the food brings up the expected result… She’s stuffed but excited to get home, ready for some home cooking, so I agree… while all inclusive food is great, a week of the same grub gets old.

Now I know what you might be thinking, I am considering taking a shot at this woman. Well you’re dead wrong, and if you need any evidence where my loyalties lay, my next comment will seal those concerns for you.

I blurt “I tried not to eat a ton before getting on, I didn’t want to fill up before dinner… that’s what I always tell my kids.”

Yes… I am so hung up on Em, that I can’t even wrap my head around taking a stab. I seal my disinterest by telling her about my kids, which immediately drains the DTF out of her eyes. Watching her facial expression change, having the conversation die, strangely filled my heart with warmth. Life presented me with a gorgeous redhead head, who I am certain was ready to go, and I wasn’t the slightest bit interested.

Why?

Opportunity can’t change love. I can block, forget or ignore that regardless of where myself and Em sit, no matter if we are together or apart, happy or unhappy… my heart belongs to her, I can’t shake it. I don’t desire anyone but her, she’s the centre of my world, her gravity is inescapable.

I needed that moment for a couple reasons…

I needed to know if a life with Em wasn’t in the cards, I would be ok. I could find someone that was attractive (although I am yet to find someone that’s in her league), intelligent and normal. Most importantly I needed the Redhead to walk into my life, so I could watch her walk right out. She cemented my course. She was my compass that pointed me right back to the stunning curly haired goddess that tattooed my heart.

Thank you Beautiful Redhead for showing me I want Em in my life for the right reasons, and not because I need her, or depend on her, or that I am scared of being alone. I want her as my partner because she makes my days brighter and my dreams attainable.

Things are looking up today…

Hero.

Villain: Missing Home

Three posts in 24 hours…. I have a lot to get off my chest.

I pulled off the worlds first self-eviction, nothing to celebrate. I was finally feeling like I had a place where I was wanted, that I wanted to be, a place where I didn’t feel lonely when it was empty. One of the hardest parts of divorce for me was being alone in a place I didn’t like, a place I had no choice but to reside, not having pictures on the walls, or memories is deflating.

In the last month I found it. I found home. While I didn’t actually live there, I had my own shelf for clothing, my side of the bed, my Coca Cola glass, a seat  where I sat every morning enjoying a coffee… but most importantly a couple people that brought the whole thing together.

So naturally what do I do? I packed my shit and left when I got scared. I went back to a cold, dark basement suite full of everyone in the world that wanted me around… yes the room was empty, just me. I’ve done so much damage that I am no longer wanted there, the residences need to distance themselves from me, to recollect the pieces I carelessly left behind.

I know we had different idea of what it meant for me to be staying there every night, but much like love you often can choose what your heart settles on. I didn’t actively decide I am at home now, I knew when I walked in the door, shrugged off my coat, kicked off my shoes, went to the fridge knowing exactly what I was looking for, staggered over to the couch and smiled, knowing the day was over and I was excited about the evening. A level of excitement I hadn’t felt in 12 months. A unique feeling of belonging… I knew her idea was different by how shift shifted items around on the counter after I grabbed my coffee maker. Like they were the ones who were finally at, at peace, no longer put out by my Keurig.

I start work tonight, bags packed with my belongings, headed to some hotel that will feel more home-y than where my belongings are stored. It’s my house, if only for a night, a room with pictures, lamps, bedding, a bathroom set, even a closet that stores and iron, something I don’t own.

I’ve changed my mindset once again, I would rather work than be in that basement suite alone. Even the people I work with, sadly give me the companionship I’ve lacked living like a gypsy.

I am sad most of all about giving up the place that my heart felt at ease. I place where the person I loved was next to me when I woke up. I will miss cooking her eggs, making her toast last so that it stays warm and melts the butter. A place where and innocent child looked forward to seeing me every morning. I will miss listening to Em read books and sing to her daughter at night. I will miss the french music that set the mood, the music that made me laugh when she danced around. I will miss the collective sigh when the day is over, a final breath before we melted into each others arms and let hours pass just….being.

The road is my only constant now and that’s where I can be found, passed out wanting this life to be over, wanting to move on to something stable and simple.

 

Villain

Villain: Lack of Faith

Life is once again mocking me. Work is taking me to Montego Bay, Jamaica tonight.  Sand, surf, beer, food…..all inclusive… torture. It’s forced isolation. I am will be unable to contact Em, I will be left to deal with my issues privately. An emotional jail sentence. We are dissimilar in that respect. I like having her around when I get troubled, I need her as my sounding board, talk it out. How can I sit on the beach, enjoying the sun when all I can think about is how I’ve destroyed my life?

Over the last couple days I have been so low. It’s starting to scare me. Financially, family, professionally, love, health… they are all in a steep nose dive. I cant bare anymore failure. How can I move forward knowing that I am one terrible thing away from a complete break down? I just want to let go of all this stress, but I fear I will plunge deeper into my hole. I have real world problems that can’t be ignored, I can’t say fuck it, but I need to find away because everything else comes and goes, but her love is once in a lifetime.

Some might say that I need to figure out my life first before jumping into love, but they don’t understand, and neither does she…

I got these texts last night.

“I’m afraid I’m this beacon of light because the rest of your life is so dark. That I seem so shinny and bright only because everything else is so dark and grey”

“I need you to be ok with you, before either of us can be ok about us”

Yes, I am stained with desperation. I am a shell of who she needs me to be… So broken I need fixing before I can be with her…

I am the root of this problem. These texts CRUSHED me. I read that as “I only want good, solid, stable you… not the one who needs me when he’s low.”

I have always seen her as my helmet in a crash… the one who cleanses all the lows with a hug…The one who lights up my view when I can’t see anything but darkness… The one who makes me smile when I want to cry, I never saw these as a bad things, or a dependencies. I thought that this was what love looked like, highs and lows together.

Aren’t you supposed to surround yourself with people you love at the hardest times of your life?

She’s not this heartless woman, I push her to the max. Em is having a rough time herself, her problems are more complex and permanent that mine. So to paint her with broad strokes isn’t fair. She’s been by my side for a long time, she’s been there for every one of my rock bottom moments, and I cannot say the same… I am often not the easiest person to talk to, I react very quickly, making all her problems about me. So albeit for me to accuse someone of lack of support. As a result of my behaviour I have somehow convinced this perfect woman that she’s not enough… that she lacks vital qualities… that she’s not perfect. What a shame…

Right now, she’s in a different part of the country and we’re taking a breather from one another… Truth be told she’s taking a breather from me… from my antics. I have broken her down so badly that she needs to recover. I hate myself for it. HATE isn’t a strong enough word to describe the self imposed frustrations I have with my flawed character.

The obvious answer is I’ve lost confidence, but truth be told… I have lost faith. Lost hope. Lost…. I’ve just lost the belief that everything will be ok.

I’ve seen no evidence that good things happen to good people . Life keeps shitting on me, and I have no choice but to take a heaping bites. What is faith? The notion that everything will be ok? What a load of horse shit. Or is faith the concept of letting go, trusting that life has a predetermined path for me? Looks like I drew the short straw. Or am I being given all that I can handle to make me stronger? Well wake the fuck up, I am being crippled not gaining growing.

I am without a lot of things right now, Kids. Home. Money. Piece of Mind. Career…. and it looks like losing Love is just around the corner. I am panicking… I am not a perfect person, but I know that’s who I will have to be…. I need to be perfect to give her what she deserves. Impossible. I will never be able give her everything she deserves, I will fall short.

The source of all this stress isn’t going anywhere. It has a name, a face, and plenty of motive. She’s relentless. My Ex is calculated, and a lot smarter, stronger, and dirtier than I gave her credit for… I don’t know wether to be impressed or upset. The effects of having someone constantly chasing me down, taking every opportunity to knock me down a notch, grinding my face into failure, it’s smothering. She’s trying her best to set to the perfect conditions to deal the killing blow. Forcing Em out of my life, and dreaming of being there the day she actually does… As if to say “I told you so…” She’s a lot closer to victory that she realizes. I know that dwelling on this misery is cannibalizing my life. When I left my Ex I was worried that I was victimizing her and my kids, that I was destroying their lives, but the reality is, they are doing just fine. I am the only one in shambles. I am the only one unable to recover.

Well I have fucked up a lot of things in my life, but leaving her is the only choice I have not regreted. I made the right decision. I don’t want to grind out my life. Right now I am hurt, crumbled, crippled and a puddle of a man, but I would still rather be here, having experienced love.

Where do I find the strength to keep laying my track to happiness? I have half the parts and no map, no blueprint. The only absolute in my life is the destination. A life with her… but right now it’s dark, I can’t see her. Either life is too loud or she’s stopped calling my name. Do I sit down and wait for help? Or do I push blindly into the darkness hoping I chose the right path? The only place I know I don’t to go is back to my old life, so that leaves me 359 degrees left to choose from… fat chance I find my way.

Villain

Villain: Pushing Life Away

Fight or Flight?

Well when it comes to stress there is no question I am a runner. Not only do I run away, but when I realize I’ve grossly overreacted I come running back. Doesn’t sound so bad right? What if I ran over the only person in my life that is unconditionally supportive? What if I unintentionally destroy her faith in me, her self esteem and confidence?

I am clearly a Villain.

How fucking terrible! Tearing down other people to save myself, isn’t that the most attractive quality you’ve ever heard of? Who wouldn’t want to be with someone like that? I should change my “About Me” to something a bit more honest; 30’s male, 2 kids, dead end job, gaining weight rapidly, will run you over at the first sight of trouble, might be mentally unstable, but looking for a patient partner who doesn’t mind dealing with a nut job on a monthly basis.

I know what a catch!

It’s too bad I am not functional, that I have no confidence, or trust because we really do have something special. I look around everyday and see or hear of people that are grinding out an existence with someone they can barely tolerate. These people have the strength to harness their distain and have a functioning family, so shouldn’t I be able to control the side effects of love? I am reckless with something so great and they are protective of something so ordinary. Seems like a waste. I need to find a way to have the same determination, courage and focus, otherwise I will never be happy. I am so sure that she’s my one true love, the centre of world, my soulmate. How could I toss aside such a great gift? I know this sounds idealistic, but if you knew us, if you saw us, or got a glimpse of how time seems to stop when we are alone, you would understand. You would see how neither of us has seem more than a couple hours sleep in a year. You would understand that staying up until morning talking, cuddling (I know you’re gagging, but fuck you… respectfully of course.), you would see how she shifted my world.

So because I have acted like a complete fucking jackass, all this is at risk. I have no breathing room, I need to nail it from here on out, I need to act out of love and not fear.

I will never find another like her… cross your fingers that I can repair the damage.

Villain